Movies Under the Influence

(via thedayafterchristmas)

#skyrim #arrowintheknee #siri #iphone #

That’s about right.

(via thedayafterchristmas)

#oath #aids

Howard Stern’s Private Parts Paired with an Artie Lang Amount of Beer.

First off, it doesn’t matter what kind of beer you drink through out this, but beer in a can just feels more appropriate.  I went with Miller High Life, but feel free to explore your own options.  But really, the cheaper the better.  Artie Lang didn’t come until after this movie, but for some reason Howard becomes that much more enjoyable when you are actively seeking to murder your liver like he does.

This film is not what you would call a classic in ANY meaning of the word but it is surprisingly enjoyable for what it is.  If you enjoy topless women, crude humor, pale ass cheeks, or Paul Giamatti being likened to “Pig Vomit” (and called such repeatedly) then you will really latch to this movie.  The movie catches you off guard almost immediately by throwing Howard’s ass in your face.  And then sit back and listen to Howard Stern Voice-Over his life.  It is awkward to see him play himself in college (Weird Al Style), but he at least calls himself out on that.

By the time you’ve finished your first 12-pack (18-pack if you’re really trying), you should be meeting Robin Quivers, and Howard very suddenly and unexpectedly takes a turn for the vulgar.  Before that, you are dealing with his struggling life, and then suddenly he is making abortion jokes and getting a massage from a naked (what else is new) Jenna Jameson.  

Howard Stern makes this a very (X-Rated) Larry David/Woody Allen style autobio-pic, and it really is enjoyable.  Around beer 35, the credits will be rolling, but make sure to stay until the end because you get to see little Giamatti cry (Fuck Spoilers.) and curse up a storm.  

The movie has a very feel good ending about Howard and his wife, but one thing to keep in mind is that shortly after this film was released Howard and Allison did get divorced.  It happens to so many Americans, but it really steals a bit of the magic away from the message,  But really, who cares?  You get to see an (R-Rated) Lesbian Orgy at some point during the film…What else are you watching this film for?  Lesbians ALWAYS trump out Love! 

This film gets 3.5 18-Packs out of 5, and hopefully you are vomiting your brains out before AC/DC shows up trying to not act as old as they really are…That’s worth missing.  

Maid in Manhattan Whilst Getting Made Off Manhattans

I’ll begin by telling you the best way to prepare yourself a Manhattan.  It’s whiskey, vermouth, and angostura bitters.  Really not that complicated after all it is one of the most “old” (synonymous with boring) martini’s.  Because I didn’t follow any specifics when it came to the mixology of this beverage, I’ll just direct you to About.com, because they have patiently laid it all out for you.

Now, onto this cinematic example of how to burn $55 Million.

Maid in Manhattan is the story of Jennifer Lopez, who’s character’s name is completely irrelevant, who is as you or the vagrant who lives in your bushes could have guessed…A Maid.  She lives in Manhattan, she is of course a single mother (I’m not being racist, Hollywood is), and she is seeking a stability in her life not for her own good but for the good of her son Ty (douche).  Enter Ralph Fiennes (pre-Voldy) and Stanley Tucci who should know better but they probably needed money, and they are of course going to shake her world.  Mr. Fiennes is staying at the hotel that J-Lo works for and happens to mistake her for one of the wealthy broads he is used to trotting around with.  Blah Blah Blah, social standards are challenged, love conquers all, my respect for Ralph Fiennes lessens, and they all live happily ever after.  

What’s really worth talking about here is that I did my research, and as the research progressed my manhattan’s started to more and more resemble Whiskey…Just Whiskey.  This movie cost $55 Million to make and it made $154,906,693 in the box office.  $154,906,693 before DVD/VHS sales!  What the hell is wrong with people?  I could have dreamed up a better story in a 30 minute coma!  Now, I am not saying that love doesn’t exist or that it is impossible to watch the social roles be broken…But why would you pay money to watch a movie that I guarantee we all guessed the ending of before the trailer was over?  We could have all just pretended to have seen it and taught Sony Pictures a $55,000,000 lesson!  And trust me, watching this doesn’t change any of your views on society* or make you any brighter.**

I’m done, this movie gets 2 maraschino cherries for garnish out of 5.  It got that many because while the story was terrible, J-Lo is definitely easy on the eyes, Alan Silvestri’s music is always welcomed, and I was genuinely happy to see Frances Conroy in something other than Dirty Rotten Scoundrels and Six Feet Under.  Maybe such an angry liquor is not advisable during such a happy film, but when the irony fits you drink it.  Good Day!

* I am assuming that you are not and have never been affiliated with any hate groups like the Ku Klux Klan and have a pretty broad scope of what society is like.

**I am assuming that you do not frequently read Danielle Steel.